Grief

Start Living For The Loved One Who Has Passed Away

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When a loved one passes away most people respond by sinking into despair and hopelessness for a while. But some never really come back from the abyss, they remain disconnected from people and the world for the rest of their lives, and this is due to a fundamental error in thinking that, if challenged and corrected, can set the stage for a healthier answer to the problem of coping with the death of a loved one.

This error in thinking starts with the belief that existing indefinitely in a state of mourning honors the person who has passed away and later coalesces into the fixed idea that the emotional and psychological pain around the loss are all that’s left of their loved one and if the emotional and psychological pain are shrugged off the essence of that person will disappear, there will be nothing left.

So people remain in a state of despair, isolation, and disconnection out of the flawed premise that saying goodbye and moving on is tantamount to causing their loved one to die a second time, that it would be inflicting a sort of final death. They wear their pain and suffering as a badge of honor to keep their beloved alive.

But is it really honoring the life and memory of someone by making your own life sad and hollow? Would the loved one who passed away want that for you? If they loved you as much as you profess to have loved them the answer is a definitive no. When we love people we want all the best things in life for them. We strive to help them grow and self-actualize, to suck the nectar out of experiences, to become their highest Selves, to be happy and fulfilled.

With right thinking we clearly see that the way to honor those we love who are lost to us is not to remain indefinitely in a state of misery and despair but to do just the opposite, to once again turn towards people and the world, to live connected, happy, loving lives. And to do that we have to summon up the courage to say goodbye. Letting go of all that emotional and psychological pain does not cause a loved one to die a second time. Just the opposite, letting go of all that emotional and psychological pain is opening up the space to let that person live on through us as we recommit to living  full, meaningful lives. Stop suffering for the loved one who has passed away and start living for the loved one who has passed away.

Greetings I'm Michael, the owner of Evolution Counseling and the author of all the articles on this site. I got my master's degree from Seattle University in community mental heath counseling and have committed myself to advancing my knowledge of psychology and to evolving my own philosophical system ever since. In addition to the content on this site I offer online coaching using Skype. If you'd like to learn more about it click on the online coaching tab or if you think you'd like to set up a session send me an email at evolve@evolutioncounseling.com.

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