Existential Psychology

A Good Apology Requires A Concrete Plan To Change Behavior

By  | 

Some people never apologize, others apologize all the time, but is there really any fundamental difference between the never-apologizers and the constant-apologizers if the same destructive behaviors continue on unabated?

As long as the long-term behavior remains unchanged we can look at never apologizing and constantly apologizing as simply two different strategies to accomplish the same end, which is to get environmental conditions back to ‘normal’. Never apologizing hopes that ignoring the ‘problem’ will make it go away. Constantly apologizing hopes that saying some words will make the ‘problem’ go away. But in both of these cases the ‘problem’ is not really felt to be the destructive behavior as such but rather the aversive, unwanted response to this behavior from friends, family members, coworkers, or others in the external environment.

So whether an apology is forthcoming or not, when the behavioral pattern remains basically unchanged personal responsibility has not been taken. A good apology requires a concrete plan to change behavior as well as the wherewithal to follow through with the plan. Otherwise that apology is really just an attempt to clear the way for more of the same old destructive behaviors.

Related posts:

  1. Helping People Change Maladaptive Behaviors The same rules apply for helping people change in therapy as in the wider sphere of life. Probably the most fundamental, inalterable rule is that no one changes in a lasting way unless they decide they really want to, unless they decide it’s in their own best interests and the best interests of those around them […]...
  2. Make a Desired Life Change Today Gripped by Powerful Inertia Most of us are fully aware of the life changes we need to make to be healthier, happier, more productive people yet we’re gripped by powerful, hard to describe inertia that keeps us stuck in the same old patterns of behavior. Map Out the Necessary Behaviors for Change We could get […]...
  3. Insight And Change If you’re trying to speak a foreign language on a consistent basis, even if you have a willing and able partner around you all the time, it’s infinitely easier to accomplish in a setting where everyone speaks the language. If you’re in your home country then despite your best efforts the barrage of stimuli will […]...
  4. Getting Used To New Patterns of Behavior The fact is that almost every change in thinking or feeling requires a corresponding change in behavior or little in your life is actually going to change, despite your internal revelations. The problem is that getting used to new patterns of behavior takes some time. At first they feel awkward and unnatural. Take learning how […]...
  5. Three Routes To Change A useful way to conceptualize change is to think of a triangle where thoughts, emotions, and behaviors represent the three points. A change at one of these points will exert an influence on the other two points as well. Different thoughts will affect how you feel and act, different feelings will affect how you think […]...
  6. Trying To Make Others Change Most Of Us Are Resistant To Change The irony is that most of us are pretty resistant to external attempts at changing us, which we equate with authoritarian control, but at the same time have no problem trying to make others change, which we equate with benevolence. What we call a gentle push in the […]...
  7. How To Apologize Apologizing seems like it should be a pretty straightforward affair but for many people it is anything but. At the unconscious level what might make apologizing so difficult is that you equate the act with surrender, which implies handing over all the power in the relationship to the other. The question to ask yourself, if […]...
  8. New Year’s Resolutions And Stages Of Change When we make New Year’s resolutions we’re likely to take these declarative statements at face value, only later coming up with rationalizations for why they didn’t work out. Last year we looked through the lens of behavioral psychology to show why these resolutions are so hard to keep; this year we’ll use ideas from motivational […]...
  9. Change Your Behavior We like to think of ourselves as rational, intelligent creatures, capable of planning, fully able to make the best decisions for ourselves in the long-term by delaying instant gratification in favor of some future goal. And while we are technically capable of doing this – humans are unique in their ability to project themselves into […]...
  10. Becoming Determined To Change Behavior Meaningful Change Doesn’t Happen Overnight Patterns of behavior that start to negatively affect life tend to fall into the ‘entrenched’ category. They’re not usually one-off screwups but rather typical, relied upon ways of being meant to cope with anxiety and other environmental stressors. This is why a lukewarm, ‘it sure would be nice if I […]...
  11. Change Familiar Patterns of Behavior When people try to change their lives, a common mistake they make is trying to change many behaviors at the same time. It’s as if they are spring cleaning, except instead of a house it’s their entire being, and they invariably meet with frustration and failure, simply because they have bitten off more than anyone […]...
  12. Concrete Steps To Reach Your Dreams One reason more people don’t reach their dreams is that their dreams remain ephemeral, pleasant enough to ponder but difficult to attain since what they are hoping to attain is indefinable. In the existential sense dreams represent by their very nature expansiveness, and so many are allergic to any input that might constrict these expansive […]...
  13. Antisocial Behavior Is Social Behavior “The kind of relatedness to the world may be noble or trivial, but even being related to the basest kind of pattern is immensely preferable to being alone.” – Erich Fromm Behaviors we term antisocial or maladaptive, ways of relating that tend to isolate and alienate, don’t make a lot of sense until we realize […]...
  14. Behavior Over Feelings Many rationalize harmful words and actions towards the people they are closest to by telling themselves they’re only being authentic, that it wouldn’t be right to hide how they’re really feeling, that they’re just being honest and honesty is important. But the question is, how are you going to let a feeling, something ephemeral and […]...
  15. Believing Someone Can Change Versus Trying To Make Them Change More therapists should take heed of the classic idiom “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.” But they don’t. They try through sheer force of will to make their clients change, considering themselves to be successes if it happens and failures if it doesn’t. This is narcissism at its […]...
  16. Unreasonable Life Plan You’ve got to take feedback that your life plan is unreasonable, unrealistic, impractical, etc. with a grain of salt. Why? Because most of the people giving this feedback are narcissistic in the psychoanalytic sense of the word. They’re looking at your situation through the lens of their own subjective biases. With a little more insight […]...
  17. Controlling Behavior In Relationships Conflict And Power In intimate relationships power will always play some role since underlying values and the wants and needs that stem from those values can’t perfectly align. This inherent friction produces conflict and conflict produces subtle or obvious power plays meant to resolve it. But relationships that become defined by one person’s need to […]...
  18. Freedom And External Attempts To Control Behavior Most of us don’t appreciate attempts to control our thoughts, feelings, or behaviors but when we become aware of these attempts we respond in different ways based upon our own psychologies and environmental histories. Painting with a very broad brush we could say that if we’ve been sufficiently beaten down psychologically, emotionally, or physically then […]...
  19. Stop Complaining and Start Making a Plan Many are deeply unhappy in their lives but experience a tremendous amount of inertia. Some of that inertia is justified in that sometimes our external environments won’t support an immediate drastic change. For example, maybe you despise your job, but quitting right now without a backup plan might not be financially feasible. The problem though […]...
  20. Change Is An Active Attitude Most people who are struggling in their lives believe that if they could just think and feel differently everything would get better. They’re waiting for a fundamental shift, a personality overhaul, a sudden flash of inspiration. They’re going to keep on waiting. Why? Because their underlying attitude is passive not active. They want this change […]...
Related Items