Couples

Tell Your Partner What You Want

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It sounds so obvious, to just be honest in your relationship and tell your partner what you want, to say what your needs are, but a lot of people find it hard to do. They keep this information to themselves, and then resentment and hostility start to bubble up.

Your partner can’t read your mind, and if you don’t say what you really need and want how are they going to know? One of the reasons that people aren’t straightforward about what they really want is that they’re afraid of how it’s going to make them appear, vulnerable or selfish, for example. And sometimes people don’t say what they want because they don’t really know what they want, they haven’t sorted it out for themselves. They feel paralyzed in their lives and unfairly blame this feeling of paralysis on their partners, when it has more to do with them unsure of which choices to make to self-actualize.

The best policy is honesty, just like in the professional therapeutic relationship. The mantra is ‘honesty in all things’, and really without honesty the whole venture is pointless because you’re chasing rabbits down holes that lead away from not towards the relevant variables of the situation.

When you’ve got honesty you’ve got the chance to open up a meaningful dialogue. Stating your point of view, your wishes and desires, doesn’t have to be seen as an intractable position but instead as a starting point to open up a discussion about ways to structure the relationship, what elements both of you need to feel happy and fulfilled. If you’re honest about what you want you’ll feel freer, lighter, that your relationship is a safe and honest one where saying how you really feel is encouraged not discouraged, accepted not rejected.

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