Couples

What To Do If Your Romantic Relationship Is On The Rocks

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If you’ve been struggling to get along with your partner and feel like your romantic relationship is on the rocks there’s a good chance you’ve been giving your negative thoughts and emotions free rein. You say and do destructive things, rationalizing your actions on the grounds that you’re only being honest, that it would be inauthentic to hide how you really feel.

The first thing to do is decide if the relationship is worth saving. If you believe that it is, the the next thing to do is to make a list of all the things you like about your partner, all the ways your partner has helped you grow and enriched your life. How do you really feel about this person? And what are your hopes and dreams for the present and the future of your relationship?

A lot of people say it would be superficial and inauthentic to hold back their negative feelings during fights but from the existential point of view what is actually inauthentic is allowing transitory emotional states to take precedence over your core values and beliefs. Emotions come and emotions go, and it’s obviously very easy to get swept up in the wave. But if your actions while on this wave don’t further your goals for your relationship or represent how you truly feel about your partner then isn’t it accurate to say that these are the inauthentic actions?

Authenticity in our existential sense is consciously choosing constructive words and actions, even if you’re not exactly feeling them in the moment. If  you endeavor to make what you say and do line up with the list you made you are being authentic. Any time that you deviate you’re being inauthentic.

People can’t hear about their positive qualities enough. Tell your partner something you like about them every day. It can be the same thing over and over. Do it whether or not you feel like doing it in the moment. Like we said if it’s something you authentically like about this person then saying it is authentic whether or not you’re feeling motivated to say it. Your main goal should be to say at least ten positive comments for every one negative comment. If you can do that you’ll notice the quality of your relationship change, you’ll notice you feel different about yourself, and you’ll probably notice your partner start to reciprocate in kind.

Stop using the authenticity rationalization to let negativity seep into your relationship. There’s nothing authentic about giving your superficial, transitory negative emotional states all the power while relegating your core beliefs and values to nothing more than distant spectators.

Greetings I'm Michael, the owner of Evolution Counseling and the author of all the articles on this site. I got my master's degree from Seattle University in community mental heath counseling and have committed myself to advancing my knowledge of psychology and to evolving my own philosophical system ever since. In addition to the content on this site I offer online coaching using Skype. If you'd like to learn more about it click on the online coaching tab or if you think you'd like to set up a session send me an email at evolve@evolutioncounseling.com.

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