Abuse Checklist

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1. Adult Bullies Adult bullies share a lot of commonalities with their child counterparts, but they do learn tricks along the way to make their bullying more effective and less obvious. We might say the biggest change is that while physical intimidation is still sometimes in the picture, they learn to rely more heavily on emotional and psychological […]...
2. Abusive Relationships For those who have never been caught up in an abusive relationship it seems insane that so many victims allow the abusive situation to continue on indefinitely, but what these perplexed people don’t understand is that many abusers are master manipulators, they’re skilled at instilling doubt, in turning the tables, in making their victims question […]...
3. Sadistic Mind Games All abuse is about instilling doubt in order to maintain control, but there are various levels of sophistication this instillation of doubt takes, depending on the intelligence and the underlying psychology of the abuser. In its most brutally obvious forms you’ve got physical violence or threats of physical violence along with name calling clearly meant […]...
4. Off Limits We usually think of abuse as obvious, perpetrated by a tyrant where the effects are visible. But there are many subtle forms that cause damage while masking themselves as something else. All abuse, regardless of the form it takes, is about instilling doubt in order to maintain control. If you can keep this definition in […]...
5. Art of Abuse An abuser is an expert in the art of emotional abuse. He or she has learned through various relationships and social situations how to find a grain of truth and exploit it, how to point out supposed flaws for the purpose of control, and how to keep a victim in a perpetual state of self-doubt. […]...
6. Friendly Abuse When we remember that at its root abuse is about control, about instilling doubt in order to maintain that control, we aren’t fooled by appearances and are able to categorize words and deeds as abusive that don’t necessarily seem abusive on the surface. Abuse doesn’t always come in the package of physical, verbal, or emotional […]...
7. Abuse Erodes Confidence Some types of abuse are hit you in the face obvious but other types are far more subtle. Plus abusers of all kinds tend to qualify and rationalize their abusive words and actions, to try to make these words and actions seem like they’re not abusive. Some examples: ‘Doesn’t everybody tease each other once in […]...
8. Abuse Is A Power Word Abuse is a power word. If you’re a victim of abuse your abuser definitely doesn’t want you uttering that word out loud, or even thinking it to yourself for that matter. We always write that abuse is instilling doubt in order to maintain control. Part of this instillation of doubt is turning you into the […]...
9. What To Do When Witnessing Emotional Abuse It’s hard to know exactly what to do when we think we’re witnessing instances of abuse. When it’s physical most of us jump into action, either intervening ourselves or calling the police. But when abuse is emotional we tend to come up with plausible excuses to feel okay about doing nothing. We might think to […]...
10. Silence As A Form Of Abuse We have often written that although most people think of abuse in terms of violent words or actions abuse actually comes in many shapes and sizes. Its external packaging is less important than its internal intent, which is to instill doubt in order to maintain control. If the purpose of a behavior is to instill […]...
11. Abuse And ‘Us Against The World’ A common predicament victims in abusive relationships face is increasing isolation from friends and family members. Abusers find it easier to accomplish their agendas when their victims’ trusted confidants are nowhere to be found and therefore unable to suggest alternate narratives that could cast doubt upon the manipulative narrative gaining traction, a manipulative narrative where […]...
12. Disinterest As Abuse We usually think of abuse in the active sense, as emotional, psychological, or physical damage that is easy to see in forms like mean words or violence. But as we’ve written elsewhere, abuse comes in many shapes and sizes. It doesn’t necessarily need to be obvious or active to exert a profound negative influence on self-concept, […]...
13. Abuse Comes In Many Shapes And Sizes Victims of abuse aren’t always consciously aware that they’re being abused. This is because although abuse comes in many shapes and sizes most people have a single image in their heads, which is of a violent, sadistic aggressor who imposes his or her will upon a frightened victim. But there doesn’t need to be any […]...
14. Love or Abuse “You can fool some people sometimes but you can’t fool all the people all the time” -Bob Marley How can you be sure that you are being emotionally abused? The answer is that you can’t. It’s a subjective experience based on how you interpret the outward behavior and language of another person. And this interpretation […]...
15. Domestic Violence and Abuse When we define abuse as instilling self-doubt in order to maintain control we have a flexible system of categorization that lets us better see the internal motivations of people committing acts. We move away from the Aristotelian logic that is so prevalent in our culture yet often limits the scope of our understanding. We talked […]...
16. Breaking the Cycle of Abuse We tend to paint people who abuse as the villains of the story, and this has to do with living in an individualistic society where we believe that each of us is responsible for our own actions. While this is ultimately true, it’s equally true that our thoughts and actions are a product of an […]...
17. Abuse and Isolation One of the ways to figure out if you are in an abusive relationship is to consider whether you have come to feel isolated from friends, acquaintances, and the outside world in general. This is a tricky one in romantic relationships because people, especially when they first couple up, want to spend all their time […]...
18. Abuse Is An Unresolvable Dilemma The heart of what makes abuse so painful is the psychological and emotional toll it takes on the victim due to being constantly confronted with an unresolvable dilemma. This is because the whole purpose of abuse is to maintain control, so ostensibly if control of mind, body, and soul are ceded then the abuse stops. […]...
19. Abuse And Positive Reinforcements We have written about how positive reinforcements are not necessarily good for you and negative reinforcements are necessarily bad for you, although it does feel good in the moment to be positively reinforced and it feels bad in the moment to be negatively reinforced. Actually the fact that positive reinforcements feel good is how they […]...
20. The Veiled Language Of Abuse Embedded Message of Unworthiness and Unlovability Whatever visible form abuse may take, the embedded message which sooner or later takes hold deep within the psyche of the victim is one of unworthiness and unlovability. This is the veiled language of abuse, it’s what the abuser is really communicating through that constellation of abusive behavior. After […]...