Couples
Flower
How is it possible that many of us become more concerned with offending the checkout guy, the bank teller, or some acquaintance than we are about offending our partners? We grow complacent and start taking the people we care most about for granted, as no longer in need of much cultivation or care.
Many erroneously view their romantic relationships as sturdy buildings with reinforced steel beams capable of withstanding anything, when in actuality all romantic relationships are delicate flowers. When they are taken care of properly they are beautiful and capable of providing a lot of light and joy. But they are also easily damaged, requiring constant attention, a gentle hand, and the proper conditions to thrive.
Some people seem to have a switch that flips once they feel they have conquered their mate. They have gotten past the wooing stage and cease to find it necessary to do any hard work, to be truly interested in the other, to be at their best and always try to treat this person with the love and respect they deserve. It’s because the feelings they have align more with ownership and with what they can take from the situation than with the authentic desire to help their partners grow and self-actualize.
I know a couple who says their wedding vows to each other every morning, without fail, while they are both still in bed before going to work. You don’t have to go to these extremes obviously, but the spirit of what they are doing is treating their relationship like a flower, constantly reaffirming how important they are to one another and how they want to be towards each other to make sure they both flourish.
All you really need to do to shock yourself into turning back towards your partner with love and a gentle attitude focused on growth and deeper understanding is to consider the absurdity of a situation where you may have started caring more about what relative strangers think about you, and may have started putting more effort into these encounters, than you do with the person you believe you love the most.
Related posts:
- Treat Loved Ones Lovingly Treating Acquaintances Better Than Intimates An important ‘aha!’ moment explodes into our consciousness when we realize that we may have started treating mere acquaintances and other people we don’t particularly care about more lovingly, more gently, more sensitively, more patiently, more kindly, than the people we profess to love. How does this happen? How do […]...
- Take Care Of Your Relationship Think of the objects in your life that you are most careful around, the things towards which you are purposefully gentle, almost reverent. Whatever they are, you need to think of your romantic relationship as first place on the list, treating it even more carefully than you treat those objects. Actually it’s utter insanity that […]...
- Imagine Your Loved One’s Face Two Hundred Years From Now A built in feature of human psychology is the illusion of permanence, the idea that we have all the time in the world, infinite time to work on our projects and commune with the people we care about. Listen to most love songs and you’ll hear the same refrain, which is that those lovers are […]...
- Fear Of Being Alone “But learn one thing, impress it upon your mind which is still so malleable: man has a horror for aloneness. And of all kinds of aloneness, moral aloneness is the most terrible. The first hermits lived with God, they inhabited the world which is most populated, the world of the spirits. The first thought of […]...
- Cannot Live Without You The thought process behind the expression ‘I can’t live without you’ is toxic for relationships and is a form of abuse. The idea of needing someone else to fulfill vital functions is ingrained in popular culture and we rarely stop to think about what the words actually mean or the tremendous pressure they put on […]...
- Staying With Your Partner Out Of Fear Or Out Of Love There is an uncomfortable truth that many rarely admit to themselves, let alone anyone else, which is that they continue to stay in their romantic relationships not out of love but out of fear. We don’t mean fear in the abusive sense, but rather fear of what life would be like without their accustomed anchors. […]...
- Quick to Point Out Problems, Quick to Apologize, and Quick to Forgive The idea of the perfect relationship is a myth. Actually the ones that look perfect on the surface are often the ones with the most problems, and they end up self-destructing at some point. You know how sometimes breakups blindside you, where you thought a couple was so great together and can’t believe it didn’t […]...
- Opposites Attract “You complete me.” The iconic line from ‘Jerry Maguire’ is known by just about everyone and most consider it a symbol of what romance and true love should be. Yet the sentiment expresses an unconscious mentality running throughout our Western culture that is detrimental. We hope we can find fulfillment and a sense of wholeness […]...
- Unrequited Love Unrequited love is painful not just because you don’t get to be with the object of your affection but because, however kindly you’re let down, it’s the person you believe to be perfect and wonderful and beyond reproach who hurts you so deeply with that lack of interest. Yeah, it sucks when your enemies hurt […]...
- Use A Safe Word During Fights A lot of deterioration in romantic relationships can be directly attributed to words said in the heat of the moment during fights. People really regret them later on and are left to pick up the pieces, clearing up the wreckage of a bomb that never should have gone off in the first place. Your physiology […]...
- Getting Closure Sometimes it can sound a little cliche when we hear someone say they need to get closure. Maybe we’ve seen one too many romantic comedies. But closure is a prerequisite for being able to move on and be fully invested in life and relationships, so we discount it at our own peril. What the need […]...
- Criticism And Defensiveness In Romantic Relationships Criticism and defensiveness are kind of like the yin and yang of dysfunctional romantic relationships. While to the objective observer it becomes obvious that these frequent patterns of behavior are deteriorating the foundations of the relationship and aren’t leading to any productive solutions, partners usually feel absolutely justified when they either take up the sword […]...
- Struggling Couples Versus Healthy Couples An important differentiator between healthy couples and struggling couples is not the presence or absence of conflict. Conflict arises from time to time in all relationships, it’s unavoidable. But what we do find when thinking about struggling couples versus healthy couples is a very different underlying approach to conflict. Struggling couples take on an adversarial, […]...
- Falling Out Of Infatuation So many couples attribute their problems to ‘falling out of love’ when what really happened was ‘falling out of infatuation’. They operate under the false assumption that infatuation is one and the same thing as love and that the state is sustainable. They become disillusioned when those pleasant feelings wear off. And they blame their […]...
- Money One reason that people love money so much is that it can be paired with almost any thought or emotional state. It has no intrinsic utility except to buy things that do, and only has value because we all agree that it has value. It can be used as a symbol to stand for just […]...
- Heart Why is the heart associated with love? I was considering this question during a difficult sequence in yoga and it suddenly popped into my head that the heart is always there for you. Since the moment you were born it has never taken a break. Whether you were having a good day or a bad […]...
- Coping Mechanisms In Relationships What happens to a lot of couples is that partners keep using the coping mechanisms that they used in their families of origin to lower the anxiety caused by feeling helpless in a world perceived as hostile. This is a huge problem both because these coping mechanisms no longer make sense, assuming the relationship is […]...
- Couples Teaming Up Against Conflict Probably the most useful concept from narrative therapy is the idea of separating the problem from the person, in effect saying “You are not the problem. The problem is the problem.” Weight is instantly lifted from your shoulders and you feel lighter, that there is a way out of the mess you are in. Instead […]...
- Wanting Out Of A Relationship How many people all over the world are still in relationships they desperately want out of due to not wanting to hurt the feelings of their partners? So many, and what a bad reason to stay. On the surface it almost seems noble, a form of self-sacrifice, putting the needs of someone else before your […]...
- Infatuation And Disillusionment In Romantic Relationships Infatuation, which usually occurs at the very beginning of romantic relationships, and disillusionment, which often takes its place as time goes by, might seem like polar opposites but from the cognitive behavioral point of view they’re quite similar in that objectivity gives way to bias, positive bias in the case of infatuation and negative bias […]...